Happiness?

This is something I've started but am not yet sure where it will lead...there are so many paths and I'll have to chose one! Oh the vagaries of trying to write fiction...

It’s Friday. It’s my birthday. My friends are happy. I am not. They will party for free. I will have to pay.

What is the big deal with birthdays anyway? It just marks the day I was born. I am not happy that I’m alive. Why should I be happy that I was born? But, my friends want a party. It will make them happy. Maybe if I see other people happy, I will feel happy.

What’s happiness anyways? Is it a smile, a hug, a song? Can I record it and play it again and again when I feel I need it? They say they’ve made a drug for happiness. Will it give me real happiness or an illusion of happiness? I don’t want an illusion. I want reality. But, my reality is not very pretty. Maybe I should live in an illusion. I’ve heard illusions can be very pretty.

I think I should go now. My friends want to go. They have decided where to go. I should just go with them. I want to stay here. But they’ll need my wallet. And they’ll need someone to cut the cake before they can eat it. They are nice people, my friends. They think they can cheer me up. That’s what friends are for they say.

Who are friends anyways? People talking, laughing, and crying together? But what if one person does not have anything to talk, laugh, or cry about? It can happen you know…it happens to me.

Did you just say family? Ha…what family? I don’t have any family…lots of relatives but no family. No no…don’t say sorry…my parents are alive and so are my so called siblings…but they’re not my family.

What is a family anyway? A group of people who live for each other, fight for each other, cry for each other? Well...if that’s true then I don’t have any family…I lost them when I lost my…